this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
