If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
