Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
