i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
