i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital