new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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