oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize