cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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