How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
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all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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