he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
