So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
