People with herpes should wear stickers.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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