Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
