Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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