I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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