proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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