my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
