I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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