be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
