i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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