ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
