If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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