My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
