I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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