We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
