So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
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You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My vagina just clenched in fear
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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