im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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