Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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