I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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