I'm going to jail i love you
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
