i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
