Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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