how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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