very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
