you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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