I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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