My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
