You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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