Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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