i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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