just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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