oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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