he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
