Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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