im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
