why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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