I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
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just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
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Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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