Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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