seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
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I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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