would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
