And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
