I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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