So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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