Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
