i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
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I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
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Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
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